Operation Hug-A-Thug

Inside the House Democrats’ bold plan to protect America’s most misunderstood murderers, rapists, and gang members.

Washington, D.C. —(AP) A highly confidential transcript from a House Democratic strategy session was leaked earlier this morning, exposing “Project Hug-A-Thug,” their desperate months-long crusade to shield undocumented felons from the horrors of deportation, prison -- and personal accountability.

Presiding over the makeshift war room was House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, who had summoned the party’s faithful to discuss the aftermath of the violent protest at an ICE detention facility in Newark, NJ, and their planned activities before the House’s Memorial Day recess.

“My colleagues,” Jeffries began, “if we let Trump deport illegal migrant rapists, murderers, and child predators from our neighborhoods, where does it stop? Soon, he’ll be coming for us.”

Jeffries led a standing ovation at the meeting for newly elected Rep. LaMonica McIver (D-NJ), who, weighing in at 287 pounds, was assigned by Democratic leadership to “body-slam” several ICE agents while attempting to breach the security gates of the Newark facility. Also in attendance with McIver at the protest was Rep. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), son of the recently disgraced former U.S. Senator Bob Menendez, who begins serving his 11-year sentence in federal prison in June.

“I come from a family of criminals, so I’ll go to jail if I have to,” Menendez rose to say. “But I’m not going back to Newark. As Trump would say, “It’s a shit-hole.”

“Bob, I beg you to reconsider,” Jeffries protested. “LaMonica has agreed to chain herself to the landing gear of any aircraft transporting violent felons out of Newark International next week. She’s been fitted with a reinforced carbon-fiber harness and is receiving wind-resistance training at Newark’s JetBlue simulator.”

“Good luck with that,” Menendez said, “Most planes there can’t even get out of the gate. Which is fortunate, because LaMonica’s BMI just grounded four Spirit flights.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) rose to speak.

“At this meeting last week, I volunteered my apartment as a shield for MS-13 on the run,” she said. “You sent me three undocumented rapists. They’ve joined our poetry circle. One of them painted a mural on our living room wall. It’s mostly in blood, but the passion is there. The trouble is, I have two teenage nieces who live with me.”

“Stop your whining, Alexandra,” Jeffries replied. “You know better than most that sanctuary begins at home.”

“I have a similar problem!” Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX) offered. “I signed my friend up for the ‘Progressive Rehabilitation Program,’ you raved about. She runs a daycare center in Dallas. I’m not so sure that the two convicted child molesters she was asked to hire are the right fit.”

“What better place to reconnect with childhood innocence than among toddlers?” Jeffries responded. “We’re about inclusivity, Jasmine. If we don’t trust predators to watch our kids, who can we trust?”

“We need visuals, people!” Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA) barked. “We can’t win this on policy. We need to find that Maryland man and bring him back home where he belongs!”

“It’s too late, Maxine,” Jeffries said. “Apparently, Van Hollen slipped him some money during his visit last month. He used it to bribe his way out of prison. Then he murdered a store clerk. Now, he’s back home with a different battered wife and kids in San Salvador. He refuses to return.”

Rep. Aryanna Presley jumped into the fray.

“Speaking of battered wives, so far, not a single one of you has signed up for our UDVO initiative.”

“What’s that?” asked Waters.

“It’s our ‘Undocumented Domestic Violence Offenders’ Club,” said Pressley. “We provide homes to migrant gang members facing removal for domestic violence. Listen, everyone. If you tweet about justice, you should be ready to bunk with it.”

“Does anyone have an update on Judge Dugan in Wisconsin? You know, the brave soul we assigned to help that poor Mexican wife-beater escape out the back door of her courtroom?” asked Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman (D-NJ).

“Well, that story has taken a twist,” Jeffries reported. “After she was indicted and booked, she spent a couple of hours behind bars. While there, she took the opportunity to demand sexual reassignment surgery on the taxpayer’s dime.”

“Figures,” Rep. Coleman said. “Otherwise, she can’t afford the procedure.”

“Good for her!” shouted Rep. Sarah McBride (D-DE), the first openly transgender member of Congress. “We should all be so lucky.”

“It’s time for our guest speaker for the evening,” Jeffries explained. “Please give a warm welcome to Señor Jose Perez. He hails from the Tren de Aragua gang in Venezuela, where he committed three heinous murders before crossing our Southern border. He’s on the run from law enforcement here in the U.S. following two brutal murders in New York, one involving an elderly woman who refused to hand over her purse during an armed robbery, and the other of a police officer who pulled him over in a stolen vehicle during a routine traffic stop. Mr. Rodriguez, the floor is yours.”

Señor Perez (center) and his associates.

“Thank you, Rep. Jeffries,” Perez said. “My associates are the three armed gentlemen beside me this morning with large shopping bags. They’ll be circulating the aisles to ask that you hand over anything you have of value, whether it be a wallet, a purse, jewelry, a keepsake. We also accept Venmo, Zelle, and crypto. Kindly-”

-End of Transcript-