Newsom Has Perfect Hair, a Podcast, and a State in Collapse—Naturally, He’s Running for President

Why Gavin Newsom Would Make a Great Plastic Surgeon Instead

Just when you thought Governor Gavin Newsom couldn’t get more committed to form over function, he announced—wait for it—a podcast. Yes, because when California is becoming unlivable for most and teetering on economic collapse, what better solution than recording yourself talking about it from a soundproofed studio with a mood-lit bookshelf in the background?

It’s titled “This is Gavin Newsom,” although a more accurate title might be “Audible Distraction from Actual Leadership.” [I’ve taken the liberty of designing his podcast website, which can be found here.] His debut episode last week featured none other than Charlie Kirk as his guest, who easily cornered Newsom into admitting that California’s law allowing transgender athletes to participate in women’s sports is “deeply unfair.” When pressed on whether he’d take any action to change the law? Crickets.

It was one of the shallowest, quintessential Gavin Newsom performances of his career. One can only assume future episodes will feature in-depth explorations of “governance through good lighting” or perhaps a heartfelt monologue about the challenges of choosing between a matte or dewy finish for official photos when his approval ratings start to slip.

Paging Dr. Newsom

As a Californian who has watched Newsom’s rise from San Francisco’s Parking and Safety Commissioner to the Governor’s mansion over the years, I have come to believe that if Newsom had taken a different path after college and gone to medical school instead, there’s no doubt which specialty he would choose. He wouldn’t be an emergency physician saving lives in a crisis. He wouldn’t be a diagnostician solving complex problems in healthcare. No, Newsom would be a plastic surgeon in a state that, not surprisingly, is home to more plastic surgeons than any other. He would operate from a minimalist office with wall-to-wall mirrors and boast an Instagram account for his practice that’s more active than the state legislature.

Let’s be honest: this man isn’t in public service to heal anyone or anything. He’s here to contour, conceal, and project radiance. He treats governance like a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon treats patients: as a photo opportunity with a payment plan.

Imagine this: You’re on a commercial flight. A passenger suddenly collapses in the aisle. Panic ensues. A flight attendant grabs the mic and shouts, “Is there a doctor onboard?”

Somewhere in first class, Dr. Gavin Newsom, MD (Master of Distraction), is leafing through the latest issue of People magazine, admiring his own pull quote in an article titled “The Political Heartthrobs of 2028.” He doesn’t hear the call for help—his AirPods are in, playing a TED Talk he gave at a sustainability gala sponsored by Gucci. Even if he did hear, what would he do—offer the unconscious passenger a microdermabrasion?

This embodies the essence of the Newsom doctrine: performative competence, clad in tailored suits and verbal Botox. California is a critically ill patient, yet Dr. Newsom continues to apply highlighter, hoping no one notices the arterial bleeding.

Let’s examine just a few of the state’s symptoms under Newsom’s care:

• The Highest Tax Burden in the Nation: Residents are bled dry, but at least the tax forms are printed on recycled artisanal paper.

• The Worst Business Environment: Entrepreneurs are fleeing faster than patients who have read the Yelp reviews of a dubious med spa.

• The Worst Homeless Crisis in America: Encampments spread across the state like untreated lesions while Newsom holds press conferences next to freshly power-washed sidewalks.

• Rising Crime Rates: But don’t worry, we have murals and “community healing circles” led by mindfulness coaches.

• Public Schools in Freefall: Students can’t read at grade level, but at least their classrooms are decorated with climate awareness posters and commissioned graffiti art.

And yet, there he is—grinning through it all like a surgeon trying to upsell a nose job while the patient struggles to breathe.

Even his speeches feel as if a skincare marketing team crafted them. Every “State of the State” address resembles a commercial for a new line of serums rather than a policy vision: “Bold. Renewed. Transformative. California: Now With Extra Glow.” Additionally, no account of Newsom’s reign would be complete without mentioning the French Laundry—that notorious multi-course dinner where Newsom dined without a mask while the rest of the state remained in lockdown. The man who urges you to eat lentils to combat climate change indulged in white truffle risotto paired with a $400 wine—because nothing conveys “we’re in this together” quite like dining in secret while advocating austerity.

As Newsom’s podcast applies yet another layer of bronzer and hints at his inevitable 2028 presidential run, we should all ask a simple question: Do we want a plastic surgeon running the country when the patient needs a doctor skilled in managing a trauma team? We won’t need someone who knows how to remove laugh lines; we’ll need someone who knows how to stop the bleeding.

Surely, I jest. Newsom is not a doctor or a public servant—he just plays one on TV.