Dear Crabby . . .
Crabby Daily has provided advice to readers of the Saturday Evening Star since she was granted parole in 2020. This week, our valued readers write . . .
Dear Crabby,
There’s a young man in our company named Zeke who continually pesters me to date him. He cat-calls when I walk by his desk, and confesses his love for me right in front of my co-workers, which embarrasses me to no end. This week, he begged me to join him for an all-expenses paid trip to Costa Rica. It's just too much. I feel like it's a "hostile" work environment so I’m preparing to take it up with Human Resources. Before I do, what would you advise?
Signed, "Had Enough!"
Dear "Had Enough,"
I can understand how Zeke's actions have made you uncomfortable at work. I'm so sorry to hear that.
But, at all costs, do NOT report his actions to HR. From the photo you sent of yourself, it appears to me when it comes to looks and your weight, we are not talking "Margot Robbie" material. Frankly, you'd be lucky if he took you to Baltimore, much less Costa Rica.
So I'd take him up on his offer, press for First or Business class seats, and insist on staying at the Four Seasons Resort Peninsula Papagayo. They have an all-you-can-eat buffet bar which would suit you and is simply out of this world.
Your's truly, Dear Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My girlfriend, Alicia, and I have been tight since the 5th grade. We've been madly in love, have never cheated on each other, and had plans to marry once she graduates from Nursing School.
One of my hobbies is flying drones. They are so cool. Anyway, as a lark, I flew my drone over Alicia's backyard hoping to catch her lying around the pool instead of studying for her exam. To my horror, my drone's camera caught her in the "act" of, well, passionate love-making with my best friend.
I am just heartbroken. I love her dearly and can't stand the thought of not spending the rest of my life with her even though she's been so unfaithful. But now, we're not speaking. How, how, how do I get her back?
Signed, Desperate and Heartbroken.
Dear "Desperate and Heartbroken,"
Yes, love hurts, does it not? I feel your pain. But I'm also certain I know how you can get her to fall back into your arms.
No doubt your drone was armed with a camera such that you have 4K video of her naked body, writhing away in the "act" as you put it. Quick as a bunny, you should confront her with this video and threaten to post it on TikTok and all of your favorite social media platforms. Some would call this “slut-shaming,” but that’s apparently what she is.
She will probably grow to hate and resent you over time for taking my advice but will remain your girlfriend and maybe even marry you as you’ve planned to protect her reputation. Remember, it's not loving you that matters. What's more important is to protect your reputation with family and friends who would find you a laughing stock if they were to know the real truth.
Your's truly, Dear Crabby.
Dear Crabby,
I'm writing to get some advice on what we should do about these stupid new rules put in place by UCLA that deny me the right to hide my face with a mask during campus protests.
I am not a student at UCLA but live in L.A. and am a member of ANTIFA. I guess it's fair to say we are professional anarchists who wreak mayhem and violence at other people's expense everywhere we go. It's a lot of fun, but also a lot of work. Anyway, we wear masks at school protests when we want to destroy buildings or cause trouble and do bodily harm to strangers. We count on anonymity because we want to blend in with these idiotic students who don’t have a clue what they're protesting for or against. With so many cameras around, it's also important to hide our faces so we don't end up in jail.
I’m an avid reader of your column and hope you have some good advice.
Signed, Outraged
Dear "Outraged,"
Thanks for being a fan of this column! I love regular readers like you! I also like to see a good protest now and then.
Unfortunately, there's very little privacy at this excuse for a newspaper and one of my coworkers spotted a printout of your letter on my desk. Because you were stupid enough to post your home address on the e-mail you sent seeking my advice, you're now in real trouble. If I were you, I'd pack my bags, weapons, and all the masks you own as quickly as possible because you've been reported to campus police and the L.A. Sheriff's Office.
Please keep this column updated while you are on the lam. Running from the law can be as exciting as it is challenging, so make the most of it!
Your's truly, Dear Crabby.
Dear Crabby,
I'm the one who wrote a few weeks ago complaining about our neighbor's barking dog. It was barking 24/7 which prevented me from sleeping each night. Our neighbor is never home so there is no way to complain.
You first recommended I try throwing large rocks at the dog, but as it turned out, the dog was too quick and was smart enough to hide behind an air conditioning unit. You then advised me to hop over the neighbor's fence at night and kick it under its jawline as hard as possible. It worked! The barking stopped.
However, as it turns out, my neighbor is a shut-in and caught me in the act on camera. She called the police. I was arrested and am in County Jail, charged with trespassing and cruelty to an animal. I can't make bail. Since it was your advice that I took, I'm writing to ask you to contribute to a "Go Fund Me" site my friends set up so I can post bond and get out of jail while awaiting trial. Please help!
Signed, In the Pokey
Dear "In the Pokey,"
I'm afraid you must have me confused with another advice columnist. There is no way I would have suggested that you throw rocks at a dog or kick it to stop it from barking.
I mean, for God's sake. Even a fool knows the best way to stop a neighbor's dog from incessant barking is to heave several hand-packed balls of ground meat stuffed with rat poison over their fence. Then deny, deny, deny.
You do not appear to be very bright.
Your's truly, Dear Crabby